The Blank Page

On ne fait pas d'omelette sans casser des œufs. Or gnocchi as the case may be....

As I turned the page to part 3 of 2666 (The Part About Fate) I thought back to when I used to wonder if my life would take on some sort of  stucture like a book. Would my story have parts, chapters, or would it be one long Anita Brookner novel. It was looking like the latter, but just when you think you’ve got a handle on a certain way of being, thinking, living, seeing, something happens and the rug is pulled out or pushed away.
That moment reading a book, when you turn the page and it’s blank, the next page says part___: That is where I am. I am in the whiteness. The blank page.

I spend an inordinate amount of time talking myself through the void. Just trying to get my mise en place on the counter so that I can get some plan or recipe going…but what do I want to make? I can get so involved in a conversation with myself that I don’t hear anything around me. I don’t think I talk to myself, but I do gesture to myself, which may be worse.

“if you’re worried that you’ve lost your mind, don’t worry, you haven’t, all you’re doing is having a casual conversation.” Roberto Bolaño 2666

Sometimes I do wish I would shut up however; be “etherised upon the table.” This may be why I really enjoy my (online) statistics class. With absolutely no previous indication of any sort of affinity toward maths, I find it quite relaxing. A break from myself. I don’t love math, I just like the hijacking of my brain. I’m internally confident in my other (on site) classes, but every time I speak or answer the questions in class my face burns. The only anxiety I have in statistics is in regard to our semester project whereby we have to do a statistical study of our choice. I have chosen to take a survey on the amount of books read by students at the college in the last 12 months; I don’t know what I was thinking because this will require that I actually have to talk to people, my fellow students, to collect the data. Shit. If only it wouldn’t be ridiculous to distract them from my awkwardness with a brownie or a bowl of gnocchi.


10 responses to “The Blank Page

  1. I recommend marijuana brownies. Certain things like free drugs have a way of making students polite.

  2. Yes, but I’d like them to be able to recall the information.

    • But they’re students. They’re already stoned.

      • So basically my studied is already in the tank. If you won’t tell, I won’t. No one need ever know….
        Actually I had a hard time coming up with the number for myself. I find myself driving and then suddenly remembering “oh yeah, I read that book too last summer” I don’t think I will include myself in the survey but if I did I might just manage to think back 6 months and then lazily double it.

      • Your publicly accessible, online secret is safe with me.

  3. Bravo. In every sense.

  4. Once upon a time, before mobile phones, I ofen saw crazy people talking to invisible people in the street. Have they gone or do they now just blend in with all the people talking about nothing to people they don’t know? Is there a difference?

  5. In the future everyone will have their 5 minutes of insanity.

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