Trouble Loves Me

“Isn’t it broken dreams that bend our knees, that make us numb?”  – Sátántangó

The other day someone said to me, “Jessica, what you are trying to do, you can not do.” Well, I thought, that describes my life with frightening clarity.

Let’s Dance…

With that thought in my head, nothing better to do than watch the film, Satantango that I had requested from the library after a fruitless search in their system for a copy of the book.
Belá Tarr adapted the novel by László Krasznahorkai into a seven hour film. I can give Belá seven hours: why not? otherwise it’s just me, Morrissey, and a glass of wine.

“My heart, he thought again and again.” 

All is in the gloaming, half light and rain, in this incredible, meditative film. Maybe someday I’ll figure out what it all means. Tarr uses length to do the same thing that Mark Rothko did with the scale of his paintings: it’s the complete absorption into the artist’s feeling and vision.

The sins we commit against ourselves is the protracted theme stretching across the hours where nothing much happens, because as Tarr says, “nothing really happens as we flee from one condition to the other….all that remains is time.”

“There’s a huge difference between plodding and plodding.”

It’s Csak a gond, a munka (just trouble and work). It seems that way to me too. And all we really want to know is why?

“Regard me as a sad researcher who investigates why everything is as terrible as it is.”

It all makes a circle coming back on itself. Our inertia, and inability to seize…joy, have faith in life, each other and ourselves. I don’t know. I haven’t got it worked out. Perhaps I just feel defeated.

5 responses to “Trouble Loves Me

  1. The everlasting conundrum; why we constantly allow ourselves to be in danger of being overcome by our lower selves.

  2. some of us are way past the danger point. ha. ha.

  3. Jess, dear:

    I used to say (quite often!) “I love trouble!”. I also used to say “I’m not sure whether I throw myself into the abyss or the abyss is the one that seduces me.”
    After having read this great, really great post, I realized something has changed in me. I carry on “loving trouble” but I don’t feel the same way about it. And I wondered why.
    After a while I found out I deal with myself and my “handicaps” a lot better than before. I accept them and try not to blame me all the time.
    Why was always saying that?! Just because I tried to live, I experienced things, I lived life, I had relationships with no future, nor even present… I believed… ?!
    Naturally disappointments and pain came out of all this, but not only that. At least I tried. At least I had and showed feelings and felt alive and kicking. And I’d rather repent myself from what I’ve done than from what I haven’t.
    “Loving trouble” is probably part of some personalities: those who live intensely, who tend to love deeply without previous “calculations” or “investments”.
    But… when our heart thinks… that’s no longer a good sign. It’s surely been deeply hurt. We (re)start to be careful, to flee from others, from our feelings, from ourselves. And little by little something dies inside us. We are afraid of loving, being afraid of losing and suffering. So we avoid the ancient “trouble” but are somehow living dead.
    We are even afraid of feeling happy. “What’s going to happen? Too good, I feel… Strange…”
    And we don’t even seize the moment, the joy, the contentment, the happiness we deserve feeling. It is as if we were not used to feel that way and felt almost more comfortable within “the pain we’re used to”.
    No trouble can love us that much unless we allow it. It’s a very hard way to go and a very lonely one but on ourselves we’ll get there. And the day will come and you’ll listen to yourself saying: “I’m my best mate.”
    Trouble may come by. It always will. But you’ll get through it safe and sound ’cause you have a home waiting: yourself.



  4. Loved the song!
    Love Morrissey!



  5. Reblogged this on nós and commented:
    simply… sometimes my soul

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