Merci Beaucoup

“Griefs, at the moment when they changed into ideas, lose some of their power to injure the heart.” Proust, from How Proust Can Change Your Life by Alain de Botton

I am not really a fan of self help books. Most of them amount to exhortations to just think yourself right out of that ol’ problem of yours. Oh come on, I always want to say, I’ve actually got real problems, you know—house-over-the-head, gas-in-the-car, shoulder-to-cry-on sort of problems. Even still, I always say, it could be worse. Because it could.

So, feeling buoyed by the support of D.H. Lawrence, whom at least acknowledges that our emotional lives are what make us alive so that I don’t feel so bad for feeling it all, I read How Proust Can Change Your Life by Alain de Botton. Botton writes that Proust understood there to be:

“two methods by which a person can acquire wisdom, painlessly via a teacher or painfully via life.” 

Perhaps this is why I enjoy school so much, I’ve had enough of the “life learning” for now, thank you very much. Why I am not already a genius is beyond my comprehension, which may be why I’m not already a genius, but I digress…

“Happiness is good for the body, but it is grief which develops the strengths of the mind.” –  Proust

mmmhmm. got it.
Proust is, of course, an extremely interesting man. I love that he himself was extremely kind, but also a complete weirdo of a wreck. In both his and my opinion, it makes him highly qualified to advise and instruct.

“It’s true that there are people who are superior to their books, but that’s because their books are not Books.” —Proust

The chapter entitled How To Be A Good Friend, was very illuminating. I share the proustian tendency towards effusive praise, I’m not a good liar, but if I can find a little thing- I run with it. Often this results in severe disappointment as regards the reality of…people. I had to write a “peer introduction” for an assigned partner in a class of mine last week, the speeches were to be in theme. We discovered a suitable theme to work off of and I wrote my half of the speech,  she missed the class that we were to spend reading each other’s and preparing for the presentation, I felt bad for her that she used her only “allowable” absence so early in the term. Never the less, I practiced and practiced and looked like a mad woman waiting in the car for my son later in the week, practicing some more.

The heart of what I wrote was all about her lovely qualities, wrapped up around our theme of a mutual loathing for the restaurant business and her obvious! impressive! determination! and display of scholastic skill! that would assuredly get her out of the restaurant someday in her glorious future! And then- she didn’t show up. To school. That’s probably number one on the official list of “scholastic skills,” but, oh never mind….
I was abandoned at the lectern, nonplussed and alone, trying not to choke on the unrestrained babble that my speech had become in light of her pointedly un-scholastic behavior and rather shabby treatment of me. All the while thinking— why  am I surprised? this is my life.  I’m not even mad at her, perhaps she had some good reason, perhaps not, it doesn’t matter. I can only look to Proust and say, see, he is worse than me. His excessive praise and self deprecation were truly epic. Maybe that’s why he was a genius and I am not.

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9 responses to “Merci Beaucoup

  1. ‘I share the proustian tendency towards effusive praise, I’m not a good liar, but if I can find a little thing- I run with it. Often this results in severe disappointment as regards the reality of…people’ — I prefer this approach as well — I wrap myself in the ideal and belief in the potential of a person. I latch myself to this version of the person. But I’m not crazy — it doesn’t always work and like you I have suffered from some minor disappointments.

  2. yes, I think you’re right it’s not crazy. But I suppose the disappointments become crushing when the little ones simply remind you of the major ones.

  3. I laughed (sorry), life has a horrible habit of ruining plans, which makes life a great teacher of wisdom.

  4. C’est la vie – what we most want to be often eludes us (and the opposite). I understand your feelings as a similar thing happened to me in a portrait painting class. I hope your ‘partner’ read this post…

    • I don’t think I would have written it if there was any chance of that. I’m sure she wasn’t thinking of me or my feelings, I can’t take it personally. And yet, I’m sure she was not thinking of me or my feelings…and I fear the answer to the question – why not?

  5. but maybe we only tell ourselves to let go so that we can feel some control of the wound…

  6. Pingback: Imperfect, But Trying | so very very

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